


remember me when I'm gone

by merthurxmalec



Series: heart made of glass [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Gen, How Do I Tag, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Canon, With a sad ending, it's just Peter being sad about the thing okay, this is pretty much just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 13:51:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18874492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merthurxmalec/pseuds/merthurxmalec
Summary: “Pete… Peter,” Tony says, and Peter can’t bite back the sob that is escaping his mouth. “You are going to be better than all of us. You are going to do amazing things, kid, and I am so proud of you. So is your Tony, wherever he is. I can guarantee that. But I need you to promise me – promise him – that you are going to live. You are not going to let the grief overtake you. You are going to go out there, and you are going to be happy. I love you, kid.”~or alternatively: Peter gets a special message.





	remember me when I'm gone

**Author's Note:**

> I'm having irondad angst moments okay?? That ffh trailer broke me. 
> 
> anyways, hope you like it!! 
> 
> this is unbeta'd and not proof-read as usual, because I'm lazy. 
> 
> title is from 'see you again' because I watched an edit of that song and it made me cry, and this was born.

Peter wishes he could say he was surprised when he sees Captain Rogers – 50 years older in the span of 5 seconds.

 

To be honest, though, the news didn’t shock him as much as he would expect it to. After… _that,_ Peter had barely been aware of what was going on around him. For Peter, it had been less than a day since he had stowed away on the giant space donut, had fought Thanos on Titan and then felt himself turn to dust in his mentor’s arms. When he had opened his eyes again, somehow completely solid, he had jumped with a newfound energy, his brain overcome by just one mission: find Mr Stark. Peter prides himself in being a bit of a genius, and to be completely honest someone would only need half a brain cell to notice the raw grief that was etched on Mr Stark’s face as he had drifted away.

 

That had been 5 seconds ago for Peter, until he was told the news that it has really been 5 years.

 

And then, well, in the space of an hour (5 years) he was fighting a giant purple grape again.

 

But it was okay – it was fine because he saw Mr Stark.

 

“Mr Stark, you would not believe what’s happening!” he had rambled, jumping in front of Mr Stark and gesticulating animatedly. In hindsight, perhaps he should have been a bit wearier of how utterly quiet Mr Stark was, how passive and old he looked.

 

Honestly, Peter had not completely believed this whole ‘it’s been five years and now the world needs us’ thing Dr Strange had told them – not until he had seen Mr Stark again. The grey stuff in his hair ( _it’s just grey hair_ , Mr Stark had said before abruptly pulling him into a hug), or even the hug (and kiss!) Mr Stark had given him, the grip so strong, as if he was trying to piece Peter whole again. All that was weird, sure, but it wasn’t the giveaway.

 

The giveaway was the look in his eyes. When Peter had first bounced up to him and launched into his story, Mr Stark looked like he had seen a ghost. His eyes were wide, bright with what looked like tears and Peter was confused because _why would Mr Stark cry?_ There was a hint of achievement in his eyes, too, as if he had fulfilled his life’s purpose. As if he had everything he needed right there in front of him.

 

He didn’t understand why Mr Stark would look at him like that, but it was then that he realised that he looks older. Not physically, though there are physical changes Peter doesn’t remember seeing an hour (five years) ago. But there was something there, as if time hadn’t been kind to him.

 

It was then that Peter realised that he had lost five years of his life. But it was okay, it felt okay, because Mr Stark was holding him, whispering things against his ear that Peter couldn’t really make out.

 

It sounded like _kid_ , and _I’m sorry_ , and more weirdly – _I love you._

It was okay, because he had Mr Stark with him.

And then he died.

 

He died - and in that moment, as he watched the blue light of the arc reactor dull until it completely snuffed out – he didn’t think he would ever be okay again.

 

He knew his sentiment was echoed in a lot of other people’s lives.

 

Ms Potts – ( _Mrs Stark_ , his brain supplied, _his wife_ ) held her head high even as tears had fallen freely down her face. He had stayed over that first night, everyone holding vigil outside the room where his body was being kept, and he had heard her sobs, a sound he wishes he could forget.

 

Rhodey – he had stopped crying long ago, but he had this haunted look in his eyes, one that Peter was all too familiar with. Sometimes he would hear a sound, and his head would whip around expectantly. There would be a hint of a smile on his face, only for a split second. It would disappear as soon as he would realise that it’s not the person he has been waiting for.

 

Morgan – oh god, Morgan. Tony’s little girl, his little girl who looks so much like him. When Peter had first seen her, had heard Happy quietly whisper her name next to him, he almost gave up right there. Morgan Stark – who had gone to bed one night with promises of seeing her dad again and had woken up the next morning in a world without him. Morgan Stark – wonderful and perfect, who would never get to see her father again.

 

Peter knows he isn’t the only person who lost something. Everyone was grieving for someone they lost, because Tony Stark was important to all these people. And yet, he was filled with a bitter feeling that had embedded deep into his chest because _no one lost him the way I did._

He knows he is being bratty and selfish, and yet he can’t make himself care. Because he looks into the eyes of all these people and he sees grief, but he knows it’s not the same grief that is in his eyes.

 

They all lost someone important to him. But Peter? Peter lost someone who meant everything to him.

 

Everyone had come to him, told him that they understand what he is going through. Peter nodded, accepted their hugs and their condolences. He nodded when Thor patted him on the back and told him he fought valiantly, that he should be proud of Tony. He said nothing when Happy and May and Pepper and Rhodey came over to him, told him that he isn’t alone in this. He smiled when Clint and Bruce and Scott all gave him soft smiles and promises of always being here for him, no matter what. He accepted Bucky and Sam’s apologies, and he accepted T’Challa and Carol and Quill’s sympathetic smiles. He thanked them for understanding, for being there – but all he wanted to do was tell them to _stop._ Stop, _because it isn’t going to be okay!_ Can never be okay, because they don’t understand what Peter feels like right now. They can’t, no matter how much they try.

 

Steve had been absent in all this, still standing by the lake in which they had finally let Tony go. Peter had looked up a few times, had seen Steve staring at him with a look in his eyes he couldn’t decipher. He hadn’t approached him though, not until everyone was long gone.

 

“He loved you,” Steve says as a way of greeting, and Peter grits his teeth in response. “You know that, don’t you?”

 

Something about the way Steve looks at him, open and honest, makes Peter talk.

 

“No,” Peter says bitterly. “No, he doesn’t.”

 

Steve looks surprised by Peter’s words, his eyes almost clouded with anger. “Why would you say that?” he asks, his voice deceptively calm.

 

“He doesn’t love me,” Peter says again, looking straight ahead at the lake, “because if he did, he would be here. He wouldn’t leave me.”

 

Steve’s eyes soften, and he gently places his hand upon Peter’s shoulder.

 

“Oh, kid,” Steve says softly, “everything he did, he did to bring you back to him. He did it out of love for you.”

 

“But I didn’t want him to!” Peter sobs out, jerking himself away from Steve. “I wanted him to live, here with his family – with his daughter! He didn’t just take away his own life, he took hers too! And he did it all for nothing.”

 

“No,” Steve says firmly. “He didn’t take her life. He gave her one in a world that isn’t built on ashes. He didn’t do it for nothing, he did it to give his son a life he always wanted for you. You are allowed to be angry at him, to be sad and to grieve, but one thing you cannot do is say he didn’t love you. He loved you with everything he had.”

 

Peter slumps against Steve’s side.

 

“I miss him so much,” he whispers, his head buried in Steve’s arms.

 

“I know, son,” Steve whispers, pressing a kiss to his curls. “I do, too.”

 

It was then that Peter looks at him, really looks at him. It’s like seeing a reflection, because he can see the same brokenness in Steve’s eyes too. The brokenness of a man who has lost everything.

 

It’s the last memory he has of Steve before now, because not one day later, Steve has aged 50 years and looking happier than Peter ever remembers him seeing.

 

“Did you see him?” Peter asks, as a way of greeting. Steve smiles, and it’s genuine.

 

“I did, Pete,” he says. He wraps his arms around Peter, and there is a tingling sense of familiarity here that Peter doesn’t quite understand.

 

“How was he?” Peter asks softly.

 

Steve grins. “Good. Happy.” He looks at Peter for a moment before saying softly, “alive.”

 

Peter gives a watery smile. “Good,” he says. “That’s good.”

 

He hands Peter a small box.

 

“Open it,” he says.

 

The device inside looks almost like a remote in the shape of a Spiderman mask. Peter looks at him confused.

 

“Use it when you’re ready,” he says. He nods once, and Peter understands.

 

“Now,” Steve says. “I’m not as young as I was 10 minutes ago. Help an old man up, would you?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey, Pete,” a voice says, and _oh god it’s him._ The hologram image pops up in front of him, and Peter is left speechless at how different he looks.

 

He still looks like Tony, in a ratty MIT hoodie and his curls in an undignified mess. There’s a dark streak on his cheek of something Peter is sure of motor oil, and it’s such a Tony thing that Peter laughs, even as he feels his eyes well up with tears.

 

He looks different though, because of the shine in his eyes. His Tony always had a cloud hanging over his head, always looked tired and defeated. Peter understood – Tony had been through a lot, obviously. Peter isn’t supposed to know about Siberia – doesn’t know the full story, anyway – but he knows enough to know that its scarred Tony in a way that never healed.

 

This Tony? Looking at this Tony, Peter understands what Steve meant by ‘alive’. Every part of him seems to be glowing – there are laugh lines Peter doesn’t remember his Tony ever having. And it’s more than that, too. He looks softer somehow, without the hard edge that had been carved into his Tony. And he looks younger, although his greying temples tell Peter he is pushing 50 at least. He is the man his Tony could have been, if the world had been nicer to him.

 

“Steve thinks I’m ridiculous for recording this, but I know he will go back someday. I’m going to kick the bucket eventually, aren’t I?” Peter winces, and Tony does too.

 

“Sorry, I suppose it is a bit too early for me to be making that joke at you, huh?”

 

Tony’s eyes get a soft, faraway look.

 

“The thing is, kid, I know what happens. I didn’t all this time, but we defeated Thanos just last week. Steve and I are retiring now. I’m building him a farm in front of a lake and everything – it’s all very American Dream.” Tony laughs, and Peter aches at the sound. “Point is, I got lucky here, in this timeline. I got the love of my life, I got this amazing kid that quite literally fell into my life. And I know I lost some things too. But I don’t regret the life I am living now, and I certainly don’t regret the life I led in your time. Steve tells me I died to save the universe, but importantly, to save _my world._ You. And I get that – that is the one thing I understand more than anything. I’ve known you – my you, that is – for about 2 years now, and I know in my heart that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. It makes sense that that feeling is something every version of me has.”

 

Tony leans forward, and Peter instinctively does too, his hand reaching up to touch the hologram image. His hand passes through, distorting the image.

 

“Pete… Peter,” Tony says, and Peter can’t bite back the sob that is escaping his mouth. “You are going to be better than all of us. You are going to do amazing things, kid, and I am so proud of you. So is your Tony, wherever he is. I can guarantee that. But I need you to promise me – promise him – that you are going to live. You are not going to let the grief overtake you. You are going to go out there, and you are going to be happy. I love you, kid.”

 

Somewhere, behind Tony a kid shouts “Mr Stark!” The voice is both achingly familiar and unfamiliar to Peter, because this kid has a bounce Peter hasn’t been able to muster in a while. A smile spreads across Tony’s face when he hears the voice, warm and indulgent, and that is the last image Peter is left with as the hologram feed cuts.

 

“I love you too, Tony,” Peter says in between his sobs. “Dad. I love you, too, Dad.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! 
> 
> I want to add more stuff to this series, so if you guys have any prompts feel free to send them my way! 
> 
> scream at me on Tumblr: starsinourinfinities


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